Crossing the Finish Line

Very interesting fic I've read... ^^



Title: Crossing the Finish Line (oneshot)
Characters: Arashi
Pairing: Ohmiya
Author: Shii
Genre: Angst, Romance, Drama
Summary: Nino and Ohno have been dating for 10 years. Nino decide that it’s time that they let go of each other and be just friends. Ohno agrees.
Disclaimer: I do not own them. Although I do dream of it sometimes.
Warning: Nino's POV.
Check out my complete fiction list HERE!

I love you. I really do. So much. That’s why... I’m scared.

“Let’s break up,” I said, holding your hand under the sheets and staring directly at your eyes.

I noticed the confusion that crossed your eyes, but when I blinked, it was gone, and then I knew that I just imagined it.

“Alright.”

I tried to read your expression but it’s not just hard--plainly impossible.

I pulled you closer to my body, ignoring the invisible hand that was gripping my heart tightly, trying to make it stop beating all together, knowing that this may be--had to be the last time that I can hold you like this. I closed my eyes as I tried to fight the urge to cry, knowing that I have no reason to since I was the one who brought it up. I just held you close to me, feeling your warmth against mine, feeling the gentle fingers running on my back, feeling everything about you and forgetting about anything else.

*****

“Oh-chan, you have to let me keep this. Please?” I looked at you eagerly, trying very hard to keep the all-too-adorable-expression as I raised the t-shirt I was holding up to your face. It was the t-shirt you had used as your sketch pad when you ran out of paper and you were too tired to go and buy some.

You laughed.

“Right. Why would you want to keep that?” you said, staring at the drawing peculiarly, face wondering.

“Because you drew it,” I replied brightly, turning the shirt over so I can look at it affectionately. It was really nothing special. It was just two hands intertwined with each other. But I knew that it was us. Because you drew it after that one particular afternoon after we had made love at my room, holding hands for the rest of the day.

You chuckled, turning your back on me while you continued collecting your things that were staying over at my room for a very long time now. I was sitting comfortably at my bed, watching you clean up your things while I picked up stuff I want to keep, not helping you with anything.

“Kazu, where did you put my towel?” you asked.

“The bathroom, Oh-chan. You know it’s always there.”

You stood up and left the room, scratching your head. I jumped out of my bed and sat on the floor, hand brushing at the album we had compiled for the last ten years of our relationship. I opened it, smiling at the silliness of our faces and wondering when our relationship had stopped being as simple as those days.

I sat still, turning the pages over but not looking at them anymore. I remembered when you confessed to me shortly after we debuted as Arashi. The fluttering nervousness around my stomach as I stared incredulously at your (unusually) scared face--redder than usual. You were gripping your own hands, wiping their sweat with each other. I remembered how your face turned bright the moment I said, ‘Oh-chan, I love you, too,’ and the embarrassing heat that traveled all over my body when you pulled me to your body as you couldn’t keep your excitement to yourself anymore.

It was summer that day. Arashi went to some beach to spend the last few days of our summer vacation. We went there with the rest of the members just for fun. Privately. We were watching fireworks. And I knew that your face that day was more beautiful than any fireworks--and I’d say that any day.

I remembered how I laughed, forgetting to appreciate the lights and the sound of the ‘booms’ as I wrapped my arms around your neck; relieved and happy. Unusually happy. Incredibly happy.

I remembered all the excitement I felt on our first date, endlessly choosing for the right clothes that would go just right for the occasion; not wanting to look stupid but not at all trying too hard to look cool.

We talked a lot--I talked a lot while you listened most of the time. I learned that I can easily read your thoughts through your movements, and each one of them would say something new to me. It was ecstatic; learning everything about you little by little, learning everything about each other day by day.

Now, after being together for so long, I learned everything about you. I can read you like a book. I could plainly brag to anyone who would listen how I know you maybe even more than you know yourself.

I had lost it all; the fluttering nervousness, the excitement, the hope and eagerness to learn more. Because I now know everything.

I stared at one particular picture that was taken on our 5th anniversary. We were smiling happily (ignoring the fact that my face was very red because you were holding my hand) and I was sure that the picture was taken by none other than Aiba-chan (judging by the small finger visibly obscuring the top right corner of the photo).

I smiled sadly. When did it all stop?

I perked my head up when I heard movements and then I saw you looking down at me, your towel resting at your shoulder.

“Oh,” you said, looking slightly embarrassed. I smiled.

“No way, Oh-chan. Please tell me you’re not taking this with you.”

“I’m not taking all of it. You can have some.”

I laughed. There were a lot of them, after all.

“10 years is that long, huh,” I sighed, counting all the albums we have. There were 10. There’s actually one each year.

“This first one came from Aiba-chan,” you said, holding the red album with one big ‘First Year’ written across the cover. “This was our first year as Arashi.” And our first year together.

“Yeah,” I replied, feeling the nostalgia as I looked at the pictures with all five of us, laughing and looking overall overwhelmed.

“I miss those times,” I said absentmindedly.

“Look at this,” you said as you handed me one particular photo. It was Sho-chan, crying.

“Our Suppin Concert,” I snickered loudly, remembering that Aiba-chan stole that picture because he wanted to treasure that very first time when Sho-chan cried in front of an audience. A huge audience.

“And this.” You handed me another picture. It was one with me sleeping on my bed. And I just knew that I was naked under those sheets.

“Who took this?” I asked, sounding embarrassed and incredulous.

“Me, of course,” you confirmed, unabashed. I laughed and tried to hit your head as I threw the picture back at you, only to pick it up again and keeping it under my bed.

“You are so not going to keep this one. It’s embarrassing.”

“Why not?” you retorted, crossing my personal space as you tried to take the picture back again. “I took it. It’s mine.”

I blushed, not at your closeness, but your straightforward words that plainly meant ‘You’re mine’.

“No, Oh-chan. It’s me. Naked. If anyone sees that, you’ll never know how to explain it.” I pushed him away, grabbing the picture again from his hand.

“I do. It was the first time we had se--made love,” you said, sounding incredibly shy but the delight can be heard all the same.

“You can’t say that to anyone.”

“I won’t. But I’ll keep this, thank you,” You had taken the picture from my hand before I could even react.

“Please, Oh-chan, please don’t show it to anyone,” I pleaded.

“I won’t. I’ll look at it when I misses you,” you said happily, making me incredibly guilty for even letting you feel that way.

For the last 10 years, we weren’t only together because we were bandmates. We were more. We were together. And I know that life without you would never be the same. But I chose to be separated from you like this. I chose friendship over love; knowing that friendship would last longer, knowing that friendship won’t hurt at all.

I knew you noticed my silence but you didn’t say anything. I know you wouldn’t. I know you all too well. You would always listen to me first, not going against my better judgement, agreeing to everything I says even though you’re not really agreeing half the time.

I know you all too well. And sometimes, I hope that I don’t.

*****

“You broke up with Leader,” Jun started, eyeing me questioningly. “Why?”

I sighed, wondering where he heard the news.

“Well, because it’s been too long. We both need a life away from each other,” I replied, not being honest but not really lying at all.

“Nino, why?” he asked again, knowing that my answer had been half a lie.

I didn’t want to think about it, but the memory came into my head in a snap.

“Thoughts about marriage?” The interviewer asked, eyeing each of us hopefully.

Aiba-chan was the first one who reacted, laughing feebly as he looked at each of our faces. I was not paying attention. I was looking at your face, hoping to find some sort of reaction.

“Ohno-san, you’re the oldest, aren’t you? Have any hopes of getting married? Maybe even have kids in the near future?”

You looked particularly lost as you glanced my way, maybe hoping that I’ll save you from the questioning look of the interviewer. But when I didn’t, you looked at the space between the table and the floor, eyeing it strangely before answering.

“No, none. Really.” The interviewer looked a little confused for a moment before he took note of your answer while I tried to look more composed.

“But kids would be nice,” you added and smiled dreamily. The interviewer beamed and continued writing.

I felt like everything in my world turned black. I tried to smile and paid attention when the question was addressed to me, but it was hard. My mind were stuck with your words.

When I went home that night, I stayed awake on my bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about a lot of things. I know that you love me. And I love you, too. You were my world. You were everything to me. Ever since that day you confessed to me--probably even before that--you had always been my world. My universe. Everything about me revolved around you. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I think about, everything about my very existence revolved around you. And I knew that you were the same with me.

We revolve around each other.

But it’s only now that I noticed that I was depriving you about something. That I was depriving you of a lot of things.

Marriage, in particular.

Although I knew that we can get married if we really want to--only overseas. But I never thought about the fact that maybe you wanted something else. Something I can’t offer you. A life that you could never have with me. Kids.

I’m no woman. No matter how much we love each other, no matter how long we’ve been together, and no matter how we revolve around each other, there’s just that one thing I can’t give you. Something I just learned that you wanted.

I cried all night.

It hurts too much. To realize that even how much we love each other, there’s always one thing that one can’t satisfy the other. It hurts. It really hurts.

I lost all my confidence. I felt that I wasn’t enough. For the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn’t stand the pain that I was feeling in my chest. I can’t stand it. I just can’t.

I knew that you can have a different future. A future that I can’t give you. I don’t want to deprive you of something you wanted. I didn’t want to stop you from being happy. After all, all I wanted is your happiness.

It just hurt too much that I felt like every inch of my body was being pinched by countless needles.

There’d be more of this type of pain, and I don’t know if I would be able to stand it. You’d still meet many people, some who can fall in love with you, some who can be able to give you the future you hoped for, someone who can give you everything that I can’t. Someone you might want better than me.

I lost my confidence because of the pain. And I knew that there’s nothing else I can do but to let you go. Because I know that it will allow you a new future.

Because friendship is easier. Friendship wouldn’t hurt as much as I’m feeling now. Friendship would last longer. Friendship would definitely last forever.

“Jun, I just can’t,” I whispered, feeling my emotions building up around my chest. Jun stared at me sympathetically, reaching out to touch my hand and squeezing it.

“We’ve been together for so long. Too long. You know, there was nothing anymore. We knew each other for so long that all the... excitement... was gone.” I told him flatly, hoping I didn’t look as weak as I felt.

“And I’m scared. He’s already at the age when he should be getting married, or having kids. I’m scared that I won’t be able to make him happy. I’m scared to get heartbroken when he finds someone who can. I just can’t...”

“What did he say?” Jun asked, not letting go of my hand.

“He just agreed,” I replied, trying very hard not to sound too bitter, but failing miserably.

I didn’t know if it was the right decision. If being separated from him would do the trick. I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision and if it would make any difference at all. All I was sure was that... I didn’t want our relationship to get worse. I didn’t want to keep him, knowing that doing so would stop him from getting something he wanted that I couldn’t give.

I knew that I expected it. For him to agree about everything I say without revealing his own thoughts. It was normal. Usual. But needless to say, I wanted him to go against my expectation. Then maybe I would’ve changed my mind. I was hoping to find a side of him that I didn’t know yet. Then maybe I would get myself a ticket--a reason enough for me to stay.

Or maybe not. Saying ‘no’ would’ve done it. If he said ‘no’, I would’ve stayed. Definitely. But he didn’t. He agreed almost too easily. So I had to convince myself that maybe it was really time to let him go.

To let each other go.

To avoid the feeling of getting heartbroken, we chose to be just friends. Since I knew that our relationship wasn’t the same as before. After ten years of being together, the excitement, anxiousness, nervousness and happiness were all very normal. All part of being together. There was nothing anymore. Everything seemed so... flat.

Scary.

“Oh, Nino,” Jun exhaled as he pulled me against him. I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around Jun’s waist.

I laughed meekly. “Jun, I’m okay,” I said, tentatively looking at his face to prove my point.

“I really hope you are.”

*****

Days went on as it became months.

Although I knew that it would be hard, reality was much harsher. So much harsher than I thought it would be.

Being away from Oh-chan was not just hard. It was impossible. There are times when I would feel lost, and he would be nowhere in sight to pull me back on track. I was by myself, and I never thought that it would be harder than anything else.

Whenever I finishes a game, I would reach out for my phone and type out the words ‘Oh-chan, I did it!’ before even realizing what I was doing. I would be seconds away from sending it before reality catches up with me, telling me clearly that it’s not the same anymore.

I can’t tell him things like that because I just have no reason to. Before, I would tell him everything. I wouldn’t even care. Even the moments when some butterfly flutters around my window, I would stumble to reach my phone to tell him about it.

He had also stopped telling me things. Before, he told me everything. The moment he would raise his pencil to draw something up to the very second when he finishes what he’s drawing, I would know every single moment about it. Even when he would take a walk around the neighborhood and when he would find a single thing that would catch his attention (particularly the weather, the blue sky, the cold wind, the color of the sun, or the smile of the person that would pass by him), he would tell me everything about it. Because we just felt the need to let each other know about anything. Everything.

And now that I have no one to tell my thoughts to, I felt completely lost. Like a part of me, a very big part of me was absent. Like a part of my world, a very big part of my world was missing. I just didn’t know what to do.

*****

“Oooooh. Nino-chan have his day off on summer!” Aiba-chan exclaimed excitedly like it was his vacation they were talking about.

“When was the last time you had one?” Sho-chan mused, looking up at me and smiling.

“Last... year?” Jun asked.

“Hm. Last year,” I confirmed, knowing all too well what Jun was implying at.

“What would you do?”

“I have no idea,” I said truthfully.

“Will you go there?” Jun asked again, not letting me away. Sho-chan and Aiba-chan looked at me curiously, waiting for my reply.

“No,” I replied shortly and then turned my back on them. Lucky that Oh-chan wasn’t there. He had another work and he was really busy with it. We haven’t seen each other at all for this past few weeks and I’m missing him more than ever.

A few months ago, we had another interview, the interviewer yet again asking about marriage and kids, expression hopeful (but very much trying not to look like it).

I tried very hard not to cringe, clutch my heart, cry, or do anything at all when I heard Oh-chan’s voice answering to that question with a very bored voice (knowing well that his tone didn’t mean anything at all because it was always like that) saying, ‘Yes, getting married is something I always wanted.”

Concentrating became impossible for the rest of the interview--for the rest of the day. Even breathing became such an irritating task. I just wanted to go and drown myself somewhere. Maybe get myself run over by some car (or truck, hopefully something big) just to ease the pain I felt.

The feeling of regret for letting him go. The pain of finally realizing that I was not the one for him. Having to face the fact that he accepted so easily that we weren’t for each other.

Why now?

I miss him so much. I feel so lost. So... incomplete. And I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings on my chest. I had spent sleepless nights, constantly searching for his warmth, endlessly wanting to feel him against mine, missing everything about him and knowing that I wouldn’t feel it ever again.

Feeling that I had nowhere to revolve to. Knowing that no one was revolving around me.

I lost my world. My universe.

*****

I was driving unconsciously, unaware of my surroundings, unaware about a lot of things when I felt a warm liquid falling on my cheeks. I came to a halt, getting out of the car and looking around, taking in the scenery before me for the first time.

It was the very same day eleven years ago when you confessed to me.

The same place.

I walked, filling my slippers with the dry sand, feeling my heart being crushed by all the pain and memories as the tears continued to fall relentlessly.

I continued walking, now near the water as I let it touch my feet, wondering if I should walk further towards the deep ocean and let myself drown. Wondering if it would hurt more or less than what I’m feeling right now.

“Kazu...”

I heard your voice before I saw you.

I had to pull myself together, frantically wiping my tears as I searched for your figure. And there you are, ten feet away from me, wearing your usual plain clothes and hands inside your pocket, eyeing me with confused eyes.

“Why... why are you here?” You asked, not tearing your eyes away from me like I was some figment of your imagination that would pop away anytime.

“I... Oh-chan, I... miss you so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live my life without you anymore...” I blurted out, not sure if I was just dreaming that you were there in front of me when you were supposed to be rehearsing for your stage play. Hoping you were actually there in front of me.

I knew that my words were very foreign to you as I’ve never uttered one word of it before. The tears were back to my eyes. You just stood still, looking confused as ever as I cried. I suddenly fell on my knees as they gave up on supporting me.

“There were a lot of times when I wanted to say a lot of things... But you weren’t there anymore... Everything is just... empty... I just... God, I miss you...” I continued, feeling extremely hopeless and weak and desperate.

It was that moment when I felt your arms around me. It took me another moment before I realized that you were shaking. Terribly.

“Really...?” You kept your voice steady but it quivered slightly, and I knew very well that you were trying very hard not to let it to. “Kazu... I...” You pulled me up and looked directly at my eyes which just proved you everything you wanted to know.

You embraced me, reducing my air as you breathed against my neck.

“I don’t have to let you go? I don’t have to give you up?”

Your voice were shaking, but I knew you weren’t crying. You sounded hopeful, trying hard not to sound too desperate, but I knew you were feeling all the same. After all, I know you well. I know you all too well. And now I'm feeling very glad that I do.

I nodded against your hair. You pushed me away from your body very slightly like you didn’t want to let me go at all. Your hand went to your pocket, taking one small box and opening it.

Inside was a small piece of jewelry; a silver ring with a tiny diamond, sparkling against the setting sun.

I looked at it with awe, feeling an overwhelming emotion eating me. My tears refused to stop, and it’s annoying me more than anything else because it was obscuring my view. And I wanted nothing more than to see you, to look at you, to stare at you forever.

“Oh-chan...?” I voiced out, hoping that I wasn’t presuming what I thought it meant.

“Please, Kazu. I love you. I don’t know a future without you. I want nothing than to stay with you. Please be mine forever.”

You smiled gently and my world became complete again.

I didn’t say anything. I just pulled your face to mine, claiming your lips and holding your hand, silently accepting your offer, knowing all too well that I would not--even for a second--refuse it for the world.

Not when I had finally realized--took me a long time to do so--that a world without each other is nothing. A world without you is just as plain as darkness. And you know that I always hated darkness.

“Oh-chan, forever is not enough,” I said, and the word ‘wonderful’ would underestimate everything about that moment as you took my left hand, placing the small jewelry on my ring finger and kissing it before wiping the tears on my face.

I held your hand in place when I remembered something. "How about kids? I thought you wanted one?"

You looked very amused as you looked at me and I kind of wanted to kick you when you chuckled.

"What?" I demanded, slightly affronted.

You squeezed my hand you were holding, "We can always adopt, you know. And I don't want kids if I'm not raising them with you."

I pulled you towards myself, kissing you again before I even realised what I was doing. I felt so happy. So damn happy. You were laughing airily when I let you go, and I couldn't (learned that it was just impossible) suppress the blush that formed on my cheeks as you held my hand, nudging me to walk with you.

I didn't know where we were going. But one thing was for sure. We were heading towards a future together.


**End**