Starting Anew

I cried so hard for hours accepting the truth. There was still no calls. Suddenly, I thought of something about you related to death. I got worried and scared. I called. You answered. I was so relief when I hear your voice. Tears began to roll down again. When I was about to cut the line, you said  sorry. I didn't wanna accept it. I'm not ready to get hurt again. You asked me to give you another chance. I didn't want to. I cried silently and then, the line cut.

I cried not wanting to listen to you phone calls. It was a mistake calling you. I'm just too stupid to care too much for you even when you're so cruel to me. You're okay. You're so calm. You didn't sound sad or worry at all. It was all my one sided. I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

Suddenly, my phone rang. I woke up answering without seeing who was it. It was you. You asked me to come down. You're in front of my house. I came down. You wanted me back. You didn't ask for my forgiveness but only one last chance. A chance and time to prove that you'll improve. You told me you're stupid. You didn't think what you're saying. You will not leave me again. You just want me back.

I can't even look at you in the eyes cause I know I will lose the fight. I didn't want to go back. I know this decision will hurt me the most but I didn't wanna feel a lot more worst than now in the future. I rejected. But seeing your tears roll down, my heart soften. But in just a few second, I told myself I cannot. I must not. I didn't wanna listen. Giving you a chance means giving myself another chance to get hurt. I can't bare crying to myself to sleep alone every time we argue as you won't be there and giving myself fake hopes that you'll come. Or even your calls will come. But never. You never came. I don't wanna go back to get hurt again and again. I don't want empty promises anymore. I don't wanna listen to your same old words again and again believing it stupidly. I just can't torture and suffer myself already. And you knew how much I suffer for you.

But you held me back. You kept on holding me back, hugging me tightly telling me you'll never let me go ever again. You told me giving you a chance is giving you time to prove to me that you'll improve everything.

You told me you're not him. You're not that person who hurt me and just left like that. You said you came back, telling me everything will be alright. Giving you a chance is not like giving him a chance to hurt myself. It's giving a chance for me to be happy again. You don't want to be like him and you'll never.

I just don't wanna listen. I just want you to leave. You left 3 times, it's okay to leave for the forth time. I don't mind at all. Afterall, the one who gets hurt is me. Not you. But you held me tightly, so tightly that it's giving me comfort. Telling me from the day I fetch you around, you knew it was me. I'm your right one.

I just felt soften, my heart. Your sincerity, your warm, your hug, your comfort. I missed it so badly. I just felt I lost the will to fight back and agreed to go back to you. I cried hard in your shoulders, nodding my head telling you I'll give you a chance, I'll give us another chance. Then you kneel down to me, asking for my forgiveness. I'll forgive you, for this one last time. You told me we'll start anew. I nodded.

The knife just lifted. My heart doesn't hurt anymore. Before you step into my house, you asked for my permission, a chance and forgiveness again. I trust you this time. I'll be foolish for this one last time to believe in you again. Prove to me that you'll make me the happiest girl in the world.

The war ended. End of my suffering.

Never ever voice out a break up to me. Don't challenge me cause I will accept the challenge no matter how hard it was.

Never ever forget what you promised me. The most important promise: Never ever leave me, in any situations.

Like you said, you're just too stupid. You forgot what I told you. I told you to bare with my temper and emotions for my exam period within these months. When it's over, I'll love you more. But you didn't remember. You're just so stupid to raise my temper even more and even mentioned a break up.

But at least you're not stupid to give time to yourself to think for as long as a week. You'll definitely regret. It's the exam period, I will easily forget you and go on with my life, busy myself with exams.

I know work is hard for you. So, as studies are hard for me. I try enduring myself by not asking you to accompany me whenever I want unless I really needed you. Hence, endure with my temper and emotions.

Everyday, my love to you increased seeing how hard to try to make me happy. Therefore, don't dissapoint me.

You knew to say it was only a small matter. So why the hell did you voice out a break up when it was just a small matter? Challenging me? Never ever. All you have to do is put more effort and comfort me, hug me and saying you're sorry. Or maybe even buy something for me. Even a McD RM1.05 ice-cream will do to make me happy and see your sincerity and effort. That's all it takes to release my temper. As simple as that.

Instead, you didn't put any effort, you gave up and even if you did, it was too little. Holding my hand telling me don't be like this. That's all. I don't see any effort and sincere in it so how do you expect me to cool down?

Everyday, I try to put effort to create as much memories as possible with you. I know this is a risk. When i create too much, I'll be hurt even more if we break up. Too much to remember and too much to look back. But I just wanna create as much moments as possible with you.

You told me you can't live without me. I'm telling you now, I don't even know if I can live without you. But don't ever leave me like this again. If you did it again, don't expect to come back for me. Show to me, prove to me you're different from any other guy in this world, you're worth for me to let go of all guys in the world for you, you're the one and only guy who can make me happy.

I'm giving you a chance to start a new with me. Appreciate it well. This is the one last time I'm giving it to you.

P.S. And you destroyed my stars.......T^T

**End**