Half of 2018

29/07/2018

Again, 7 months have passed in year 2018. What have I achieved so far?

Financially, I've saved more than usual. Entertainment wise, I have had short trips and there wouldn't be any overseas trip in the second half of the year. I have taken my ACCA exam for one paper. Unfortunately I've failed that paper. First time in my 27 years I've actually fail in an examination! Unexpectedly I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be. Probably cause I've already expect what's coming. (See! This is a good side of a negative thinker!)

Work wise, I've expand a lil bit of my portfolio, but it was taken back. So I'm still looking forward for opportunities. Health, I've not been sick as often as I was previous years. My health was better this year. I've been eating a lot more this year! Mostly cause I've met Terry as my foodie buddy.We went for food hunt and dinners frequently. So I've not lose any weight but gained a lot! I'm now the fattest and most out of shape in my whole of 27 years life!!

Baby is growing up really well and getting more of a spoil brat! I've not really spend time with my family this year due to work tho.

My bro finally got married this year. It was such a pack event. During those period, I am having my exam, my closing of monthly account, 1 wedding dinner to attend, grandma's birthday dinner to attend and yet I have to help manage my bro's wedding. OMG! And also my birthday going on!

This year, I realized I have neglect my friends a lot due to work. Even my best friends. But they have really disappoint me this year. All these years, no matter how busy I am, once they need me, I never fail to accompany them! Even now that I'm at Dell, I still am the same. Sadly, they don't do the same. I've been needing them quite a lot lately but they never showed up. Even when we said we would have a date, they never turned up. We have seem to distance a lot. It hurts me a lot.

I didn't really realise the situation we are in until Terry said 1 sentence "Now you should have realized yourself about them." Once he said that, I felt my eyes heated up with tears and my heart felt a sharp pierce. I held myself back while digesting the fact. I try to tell myself maybe they didn't realized that I need them cause I didn't show. But I always thought whether or not I need them, they should have taken the initiative to date me instead of me making the effort to see them all the time! I am really unhappy but also fed up at the same time.

Being in Dell, I have made a buddy with Terry. He's like a really good friend to me. Like how I was with Alice previously. But we became buddy in such a short time that it scares me a lot! I felt really exposed in front of him actually. He had the aura that made me tell him a lot of my personal life. Unconsciously, I had been telling him about my daily schedule during a period of time. Although he always say he didn't know a lot about me and he did mentioned that he has told me a lot about his personal life to me. Lately, I've tried to resist myself from hanging around him having the reason that he's really very busy with his work. He has not really have random conversations with me too lately. It's either he's really busy with his work or he has realized the same as me.

Among all the friends I made during work, he's really knowledgeable and smart with successful businesses privately! He's so perfect that at times, I can't believe I actually am friends with him!

Also, because of his existence, my man has became a lil more concern about our relationship. In which I'm really happy inside. He has made our relationship really dull these couple of years. Nothing exciting really. Until Terry's existence, I guess he's really afraid if Terry is actually into me and I might be into him too. Although it feels like a joke for life but I like to keep it this way! At least his concern towards this matter made him make an effort to excite our love life, I hope.

**End**

The New Working Life

29/07/2018

Half the year has gone by. I don't know how but I somehow managed to survive in the whole new environment in my working life. Actually, it was really alright at the very beginning but as months passed by, it gets worst.

It has been 8 months in Dell. But it feels like it has been a year or so. I don't know why it felt like I've been there longer than I am. Most probably I became really close friends with my team mates there. But when it comes to work/ portfolio, I kept on convincing myself that 8 months in a whole new kind of work is still really new.

Why do I find surviving in Dell up till now is like a miracle? Cause as I get to know more about Dell and their culture, I find it really difficult for me to fit in. It's like not my kind of working environment. Honestly, up till now, I can't get used to the accounting system I'm using or understanding the whole process of what I'm doing. Nevertheless, not used to being all friendly and talkative towards everyone. No, I don't like to socialize with strangers. Dell is too big. The organization I'm in alone is already too big for me!

Also, my manager is in China. I can't really have someone to talk to when I'm in need. She's not even my direct reviewer! Although my reviewer has report that I've good performance, but it still doesn't give me a sense of security! What stressed me out most is when there are questions running in my mind, I can't ask my teammates.

For work reason; 

1. They make me look stupid.

2. It makes me feel stupid.

3. Some of them don't give me the answer I want.

4. They make me feel like they are trying to invade my work.

For politic reason;

1. I'm not supposed to ask them for advice.

2. It feels like I'm giving them a bullet to shoot myself.

3. I can't see how they could or would help me.

Sometimes, I'm desperate to look for a mentor from other organization to seek advice when I'm in need. But it is a lil difficult tho. So when I'm in a serious situation or doubt, I usually seek for Jordan. I mean at least he helps me to feel better. I usually would talk to Terry too but he's in our team so I didn't want him to know too much at times. It also feels like he belittle me at times. I mean it is all from my own feelings and thoughts and maybe my egoistic behavior that he makes me feel so although he doesn't mean to.

My teammates as friends, they are all good friends but as colleagues, sometimes I just hope we're not. I really enjoy chit chatting with them about non-Dell topics or do activities which are non-Dell related. But when it comes to Dell related, they seem to look down on me and treat me like a fresh graduates. I mean I don't portray myself like I'm a knowledgeable person (maybe cause I really am not in this environment) but I definitely have my own strength and knowledge in other area which could help me to survive here in Dell, afterall I've been in the outside world for the last 5 years.

I may portray my negative thoughts at most of the times but that doesn't mean I don't have any positive thoughts at all! A negative thinker doesn't mean she can't do her work well you know! Doesn't mean she doesn't have a happy life. Doesn't mean she has a life crisis! I have negative thoughts at most times cause I'm a very cautious person. I like to live my life all under my control. I like to live my life according to my plans. So I would always think the negative side of each situation to prepare for the worst! Is that even wrong?

Okay, the more I elaborate, the more I'm sure that these problems I have now is mostly due to my egoistic behavior. Anyway, my portfolio itself doesn't convince me that I'm gonna be promoted any sooner. That's what sadden me. When I was in my previous jobs, each and every year, 12 month, I'm always looking forward for a promotion and I always got what I expect. In Dell, I see my next promotion in at least 2 and a half year time which is a lil too long for me! I feel so vulnerable there.

I am a lil sure that I didn't like Dell is both Jimmy and Jordan's resignation. It feels like I've lost my best companions in Dell. I make new friends (I really mean friends) in Dell but they just don't give me the friendship Jordan and Jimmy gave me. No, not even Terry (although I've been really good friend with this guy all these while). I could just say they don't understand me for who I really am.

Still I can conclude that I still don't feel like resigning. I still think that I can survive for like a year or so. Most of them would think that what I worry was the toughness of a work. In all my 5 years working life, I am never worry if a job is too tough. I only worry that opportunities would not appear.

Fingers cross.

**End**